Wednesday, June 30, 2010

WINNERs and LOOSAs

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FOREWORD

tainty, they are realizing more than ever the need to gain control of their lives and to combat the sense of powerlessness that seems to move them flither away from getting what they want.
The seminars and training sessions I have conducted over the past few years have touched thousands of individuals: teenagers ~truggling to discover their goals and identity, adults trying to deal with pressing personal and career problems, retired persons wanting to make the most of the rest of their lives, prisoners trying to build for the future even as they suffer the consequences of tragic choices in the past. The fact is that decision-making relates to everybody. No one's freedom is so unlimited or life so hopeless that he cannot benefit from learning decisionmaking skills.
Even in the course of short seminars, I have observed the impact of the decision-making process on people's lives.
Hopelessness has changed to hope, confusion has been replaced by direction, the feeling of powerlessness has been followed by a quest for control, and fears of doing have given way to positive action.
This book distills the content and process of these seminars and training sessions into a practical, usable decision-making model that can be applied to any type of choice relating to personal, career, or educational matters.
The cases are all drawn directly from life. The exercises and procedures have been tried by people of all ages and in all kinds of critical decision situations. They provide a valuable and indispensable tool for living a more effective and satisfying life.

1.
Life Is Choice

It's ,much easier to ride a horse' th rectIon he's going. In e di.

-Werner Erhard

How do you feel about yourself? Is .
ArAre you growing emotionally and inte;:c%~~e? sa,tisfying?
e you satisfied 'th h y Your income? WI Were you live? With your job?

Would you like to alter 0 I' , Ihe people in YOur life? y ur re ationships with some of

Are you happy with th Illllc? Did you e . l,e way you spend your leisure nJOy your ast vacation? _ Have you been faced with an d " "('lIdit from'th h' y eClSlons lately? Did you e c OICe you made?
II of these questions have som th.
r I I ions you have mad h e mg to do with e--or ave let othe ak f 1111 Irl' probably satisfied 'th rs m e or you.
I. I . WI Some and dissatisfied with

J III "ughout life, we are faced with co ' .
" IC'Il'cl upon th h untless deCISIOns.
, ey s ape our lives If I I( II ,~killfully th' . we earn to make I Ii> ,us usmg our resources to best adwe can narrow the gap betw h It" Ippears to be possible. U f een w at we want II IIld suffer the conse n ortunately, many of I quences.
II thousands of teenagers go to college onI I I ('xpected of them Untold b y . num ers of me II I II ltlatTY and . f ii' n raIse am Ies without all I I do so at all Oth actu y . ers struggle along for a

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2

LIFE IS CHOICE

lifetime in unsatisfying occupations. These peopl~ are victims of not knowing how to make decisions. Frequently, they are not even aware- of alternative choices. As a result, they deny themselves the lives they would like to live if they only knew how.
y ~t other people do manage to get what they want.
Consider the woman successfully pursuing a career in business while continuing to raise a happy family; the young executive who leaves a prestigious position to do something far less lucrative that makes his life much happier; and the retiree who begins to study law at fifty-two and becomes a successful practicing lawyer. Do these people owe their success to luck, innate ability, unusual financial resources, no family responsibilities?
Not at all! They simply learned how to decide-to establish what they want and move toward it in a rational, systematic way. They learned to manage their lives by making well-considered choices. You, too, can learn how to use what you know to get what you want.
Throughout your life, you have constantly been asked to make up your mind. By now, you should have developed some real skills as a decision-maker. And as with any skill that improves with practice, you should more and more enjoy the prospect of making choices. After all, you've probably had more chances to utilize this skill than any other. Why, then, do people tend to feel so frustrated when they face important decisions?
The fact is that most people have developed no rational or coherent method for dealing with their many opportunities to take action. And despite the importance of decision-making, the opportunity seldom arises in 0 educational settings, in our jobs, or even in our famil relationships for us to learn how to decide. Indeed, it c be argued that these institutions often do their best discourage decision-making on the part of individuals.

"IF I CAN HANDLE ME . . :'

3

is almost as though they are afraid to equip people with the information they need to decide for themselves. It is not difficult to understand why. The institutions we look ,.,.
to for direction-government, universities, and even the family-are slow to respond to change. Often, in fact, they do their best to deny the existence of change. Major problems facing all of us-energy conservation, equality, unemployment, urban decay, family relations-are simply not being addressed by our institutions in any clear, definitive way. And this further compo~ds our anxieties and difficulties when it comes to deciding as individuals.
Consequently, while you are expected to make up your mind, you may not know how to go about it.
Recently, in one of my training seminars, I asked the group members what they thought about or felt when faced with a decision. Most of their responses stressed the Illxiety involved. They felt decision-making was complex, painful, ris~y, and tiring. They - worried about lacking IllfOlmation, acting before feeling confident, giving up the Illlwn for the unknown, making mistakes. They were Cllll'erned about the time and social pressures involved, II If I about how their decisions affected other people "'111ll-tant in their lives. In short, for the majority, I I I ,ion-making was a chore imposed by a crisis-not an I II 1I I unity to shape and control their lives, or to move II cI more freedom of action.

"If I can handle me, I can handle it all"

1,,1. it is easy to get caught hi a life of little choice it Iltl,· to steer your life toward the goals you des~e.
, ( ss begins with you, the individual decider. The b .V( is from an inmate in a maximum-security I I, I he starting point for most of us. You have to ( ({I(. The sense of powerless~ess that you may


4

LIFE IS CHOICE

feel at this point in your life is something that will begin to disappear as you apply the decision-making skills that you will find in this book.
Note the use of the word "skills." This term is rarely paired with "decision-making" in daily conversation. More often, someone is described as being "decisive" or as having ua talent for making decisions." Such remarks imply that the ability to make decisions is innate, that a fortunate few people may be born with it, but the rest of us just have to accept being wishy-washy as our lot in life.
Actually, the opposite is true. Good decision-making requires the exercise of learned skills. To some extent, you learn these skills from your experiences as you grow up;
but all too frequently our knowledge of them remains incomplete through adulthood. Like all others, however, these skills can be learned through conscious effort.
Particularly when facing an important, critical decision, the person lacking decision-making skills is inclined to feel inadequate and frightened by the prospect of having to choose. Finally, he or she is likely to back off, figuring that no outcome at all is better than a bad outcome. But of course there is always an ,outcome regardless of what, or whether, you decide.
Thus if you put off deciding whether to quit the job you hate, you are, in effect, choosing to keep the job. H you say you can't decide about that trip to Europe, the outcome is the same as if you had decided not to go. If you avoid deciding whether you need a change of life style, the end is the same as if you decided to stay with your old way of life. .
By not deciding, you forfeit the opportunity to achieve a better or different outcome. Even if you stay with your existing situation, it should be a conscious choice among various alternatives-not merely what was left when you couldn't make up your mind. And remember that even

FREEDOM IS A RISJ::Y BUSINESS

5

the '1eftover" course could have outcomes that you may have failed to consider. ' The skills you acquire in this book can be applied to virtually all the important decisions that you will face in your life. Making these decisions is not a simple process.
Some Wlcertainty will usually exist. But you can advance at your own pace, and you should practice all the time.
From the beginning, each decision will be a kind of approximation of what you want. No single decision is an absolute answer, but with each choice you will be steadily advancing toward your goals.
Ultimately, learning a decision-making process and applying it means translating what you say you want into action. It is taking a close look at yourself and those aroWld you. It is learning to think for yourself. It is discovering what is really important to you and just how important. It is learning to use your freedom to direct your own life. It is taking action. And, finally, it is learning to be responsible for the actions you take. In short, it is using the knowledge of who you are and what you want to be in a rational process that will move you toward 1l1taining the goals you want in life. For if you don't /mow what you want, you'll probably never get it.

Freedom Is a Risky Business

Ono of the main reasons for learning how to make ,. !'is/OilS is to increase your personal freedom, to add to 1111 . uvailable options. But it isn't all that easy. A IIIPhll'lulion of choices accompanies our free society: the I 1.10111 to improve yourself, to pursue the profession of III I hoice, to speak openly, and to expect equal oppor11"111 lIId treatment. While these freedoms exist, they II of little value to you unless you can use them.
1II1ng man serving a long prison term said to me:
111111 is a risky business; you can choose to go to hell



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LIFE IS CHOICE

in SO many different ways." He was reflecting on his own life and how his freedom to choose had led him to a long sentence behind bars. .
Yes, freedom is a risky business-for all of us. In fact, It can be downright terrifying. Consider the multitude of choices available to you in virtually all facets of life. You can take part in any number of close personal relationships" when not long ago marriage would have bee? the only acceptable option. You can get college credit for experience, when formerly you, could get it only by attending class. You can change careers in mid-life, when once you were locked into a business or profession. If you are a woman, you can ~ow choose to work when you have small children; and if you are a man, you may even choose to quit your job to stay home with the kidsl Nonetheless, it often appears that the more possibilities you have, the more impossible it is to c~oose. Many. of the people I work with who have difficulty making decisions get angry with me because I constan~y encourage them to develop and consider as many opti~ns as possible in a given situation. Exasperated, they say It was easier when they only knew a few possibilities. Some of them beg me to make the decision for them. It is true that having more options makes choosing more difficult. But it is also true that more options give you greater freedom and a far better chance to move toward the life plan that is most satisfying to you.
To get the feeling of what is involved when .you have a lot of alternatives from which to choose, think about some of the things that you'd really like to do. Then .sele one thing above all others that you'd'like to be paId £ doing. Write it down.
While this may appear to bj:l a relatively easy choice make many of us really struggle with it. Why? Beca there' ~e so many things we like to do that it's difficult

PREVENTING THE LOSS OF FREEDOM

7

select one above all others. What if you leave out the most important thing of 'all? Are there things you're not even aware of that you might put down if only you knew about them?
In short, when it comes to choosing something from a large number of even "pleasant" alternatives, the choice can be difficult, It's not unlike walking into an ice-cream store that offers thirty different flavors. Some of these are familiar, others sound appealing, and still others are totally unknown. Where once we could have expected to Bnd only vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry, we are now confronted with such flavors as rocky road, banana, shortbread, and chocolate divine. The possibilities are fantastic. How can anyone decide? It is not difficult to vnvision the unskilled decision-maker, asked to make up llis mind, stammering out, "Vanilla," when one of the olher Bavors would have been much more satisfying.
And so it is when you face the prospect of alternatives II 0 more critical decision situation. In scrambling for a IV to a meaningful life, we find paradoxically an ,I ,,"dance of choices marked by an increased sense of III loss of freedom.

Preventing the Loss of Freedom

I moment to think about what you want in life.
II 1I,lve trouble deciding, don't worry. Many of us I I I .kpn the time to think beyond the present. You I ( lo dream a little or fantasize. Think about I I '1111 want, even if it seems impossible. Consider II I I" you'd like in the future, the kinds of things h. hl' doing, the people you'd like to be with, IHIIIS you'd like to experience. Write down the I" I Oil I'pally want. Think of the things you want I of (, iliug on your life. Make sure it's your


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LIFE IS CHOICE

ceiling and not the one somebody has prescribed for you. Remember, you're absolutely freEl to decide anything you want at this point.

Material things I want to own:
People I want to be with:
Satisfactions I want to feel:
Things I want to achieve in work:
Things I want to achieve in personal growth:
Thipgs I want to achieve in leisure pursuits:

Examine your choices carefully. Are your listings complete? Can you expand the number of choices in each category? Now imagine that this exercise is suddenly a real-life decision situation for you. Would you like more time to add to your choices?
As you expand your freedom of choice by developing more possibilities for action, you are taking the first steps toward bringing about greater control over what you want' your life to be. An abundance of choices may be initially confusing, but the value of having a large number of possibilities to work with far outweighs any disadvantages.
A decision can be developed through a kind of decisions tree, which is often used to demonstrate the major ingredients in the decision-making process. The usefulness of the "tree" is that it can show the increasingly complex number of "branches," or opportunities, that arise from a single decision. A variation of this procedure can help you focus on the element of freedom in your past choices. Each decision you have made to date has some implicati011l for your future. Some have been helpful in getting yo closer to what you want. Others have probably divert you. Beginning with the bottom of the tree, identify 0 important decision at some stage in your life and descri how it helped or hindered your progress toward what y want-at the top of the tree. For example, if you chos certain major in college or opted not to get married,

YOUR FREEDOM IN DECISIONS TREE 9 did these choices give direction to--or di rt fro h ve you mw at you want in lif .
'. e ill terms of a career, personal relationships, overall satisfaction?

YOUR FREEDOM IN DECISIONS TREE

How freedom and opportunities led to ,what you want In life.
Satisfactions gained or anticlp~d.

Things that you didn't want to happen. Satisfaction lost or forfeited.

How freedom and OPPOrtunities lod to things unexpected but Important to you. Satisfactions o Ined or anticipated.

Unanticipated freedom and opportunities gained.

Freedoms and Opportunities lost permanently or temporarily.

I" I. t d freedom and 1'IIllll1lnity gained.

A Critical Life Choice

II hOllld begm' t h I 0 see ow your decisions shape your III( f VI n represent what you are. Observe how each II h IS some' /I rmpact on subsequent opportunities of II.~. you have had to deal ·th th I .
I WI e e ement of I 1111 the way. Did you really freely decide what I 1111 to you?

1 II d~veloping your skills as a decider you 1Il'lI11smgly aware of situations in which' your I (1.11 is being violated. You will also see that I ., III Ollr life is in· fact less often the result of
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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

aroma INDIAN



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